The Grocery Garden Series
by Spender-Networks
Summary: The Grocery Garden series! Watch as your favorite agents go and battle the scariest and goreyst of all villins! GROCERY PRODUCTS! WHO WILL WIN! Rated PG-13 for later chapters!
1. Mulder VS the orange smoothie!

The Grocery Garden Series

Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN THE XFILES! IT BELONGS TO CC AND 1013 PRODUCTIONS!

Rating: PG-13 for later chapters

Archieve: do you really want to? Fine I don't care just tell me.

The Grocery Garden Series

Mulder carefully scampered down the aisles in Grocery Garden, gun drawn. The innocent bystanders watching closely from behind. His eyes shift around until he reaches the frozen product aisle. He shoves his gun at a yogurt box and shouts,

"WHERE ARE THE SMOOTHIES!"

A random mother covers her child's eyes and they slowly back away.

"I always hated the raspberry ones." Mulder said, pulling the gun away, and moving further down the product line. He stops for a second, the whole grocery mart is quiet. Suddenly! Mulder turns around fiercely to the bread and fires seven continues shots, while shouting NOOOOO! And falling in slow motion. When he hits the ground his foot gets twisted on a shelf, and he struggles for survival! The products go flying, and one orange smoothie falls on his face.

"I WIN! MAN OVER DAIRY PRODUCT TRIUMPHENT PROVAILS!" Mulder screams madly. He stands up , and his eyes begin to shift.

"This IS'NT over."

Checkout line

Mulder steps up to pimply teen, Joe, and carefully slides the smoothie (which he has bound and gagged) over in Joe's direction.

"You have inherited the prophecy." Mulder whispers, eyes still shifting, watching behind him for mass egg reinforcements. Pimply teen Joe runs the smoothie over the scanner, and putts it in a plastic bag.

"WE WILL CONCURE!" Mulder yells, giving Joe a ten, grabbing his prey and running away, arms flailing about.

Joe is left dazed and confused.

Mulder's car

Mulder's eyes are kept fully on the road, but every few seconds, one would slowly shift to the passengers seat, where Mulder has strapped in the smoothie for a rough ride.

"I'm watching you" he says menacingly.

Mulder's apartment

Mulder slips in through the door carefully, and throws the smoothie on a random kitchen chair. He turns the main light off, the screws a bulb in the ceiling on. His kitchen resembles an interrogation room. Mulder sits down, and stares at the smoothie for a straight 20 minuets. He then reaches over and slaps the product, but it seems to have cut him!

"I WILL NOT HAVE THAT IN MY COURT!" he yells, pulling out his gun. "IT'S OVER NOW SMOOTHIE BOY!" Mulder fires 3 more shots, and orange smoothie splatters all over the walls. "IM GONNA FINISH YOU OFF!" Mulder grabs a glass and a straw and eats the smoothie ALL UP! But alas, all is not ok!

"Oh.........uh-oh! DAMN YOU SMOOTHIE! DAMN YOU!!" He grabs his stomach tightly and sits in a fetal position and yells out "HE'S FIGHTING FROM THE INSIDE OUT!"

Scully walks in, not surprised at the awkward sight.

"Orange smoothie again, Mulder?" she asks.

"Yes." Mulder says, his puppy face on. "Scully"

"Yeah, Mulder?" she asks.

"This is NOT over."

inciting music as we fade out

Watch out for part two, Reyes v.s. the pop-tarts!


	2. Reyes VS the pop tarts!

Part Two: Reyes v.s. The Pop Tarts!

(Disclaimer: I do not own the x files OR Richard Simmons)

Reyes slowly approached Grocery Garden, and slipped through the magical opening doors that always amazed her lazy eye, sending volts of excitement through her.

She passed the dairy aisle, noticing smoothies and yogurt all over the floor. Being the mind numbingly stupid, but KIND person she was, she let out a whale call, and her sea friends came and cleaned the mess in a very British-comedic like way. When they were finished she clapped lightly, and walked on.

Richard Simmons ballad, The Way Your Thighs Jiggle, was playing in the background, and Monica was playing air guitar to his sexy MALE HUNK voice.

"The way the baby blue spandex brings out your eyes!" She mimicked to the blasting music. But she stopped dead silent (oddly when the music stopped.) and turned around.

"You." She whispered, shooting a dirty look at the new whale-free pop tarts. (The Pop tar company had recently admitted to using whale skin as an ingredient, after an ANNONYMUS crazy lady raided their main headquarters in Oklahoma city, Canada.)

Reyes slowly approached the shelf, eyeing the rainbow sprinkled treats. She slowly reached into her back pocket and pulled out a plastic spork. Not a spoon, not a fork, but a spork.

"It's time to DIE!" Reyes whispered in a high-pitched voice.

-Cut to: Pimply Teen Joe cleaning up what seems to be whale pee in aisle four. Reyes screams can be heard in the background, and Pimply Teen Joe looks up in horror.

-cut back to: Reyes lying on the floor, a spork in her left eye, screaming in pain.

Joe arrives and shoots Reyes in the head to release her of pain. This of coarse did no damage, because the dark gray matter in her head triggered the bullet and dissolved into purple dust.

Joe pulled the spork out of her eyes, and went back to mopping up the yellow massacre.

"Ahh, so that's your game, aye?" Monica asked, in a very Canadian way. "Well, we'll just have to FIX that." She continued, putting on her mad face.

After 27 minuets of spork eyeing, brain shooting, whale piss cleaning upping, Reyes claimed her prize, and Pimply teen Joe rang up her prey. She threw money in his face then ran through the magical doors, laughing like a Goth Christian. (Don't' ask how that is possible.)

-Cut To: Monica's apartment, we see Save The Whales wallpaper and a blue Hello Kitty Television lined with Keep On Truckin' stickers. On the screen we see Mulder in an orange prison jump suit.

"I did not have sexual relations with that orange smoothie." Mulder stated proudly, before Monica shut it off.

"That sick twisted monkey." She replied to her hello Kitty television.

She then spun around and used her evil eye rays that she had received after the 12th bullet to carefully seal open the pop tart box. She stepped closer to the increasingly irritating box, and began to sing the Canadian national anthem. Like she predicted, the pop tarts let out a high-pitched squeal and exploded in to TINNY WINNY PIECES!

"MUAHAHAHAAAAAAAA!" Monica yelled before gobbling the pop tarts ALL UP! Then she looked up in fear, as the Pepto-Bismol theme song began to ring through her ears.

"UPSET STOMACH, DIARIA!" She screamed n horror, and dragged her over stuffed whale lovin' body to the bathroom.

End of Part two

Watch out for the next instalment: Krycek vs the bananas!


	3. Krycek VS the bananas!

Part 3: Krycek v.s. The bananas!

Krycek strolled into Grocery Garden; quietly humming the tune of Richard Simmons new hit song. It really was a good song. Although, the horrid visuals could be kept aside!

He passed the 'Special Someone' aisle, and decided to take a looksie. He reached out for the special glow in the dark condoms, but then remembered! It was 'Maxed Out' condoms! Krycek positively despised Maxed condoms! The memories filled his mind and he made a queasy face...

It had been only two moths earlier. He had purchased Richard Simmon's BRAND-SPANKIN'-NEW mac-and-cheese a lotz! It was not a pretty site! Mulder (who was living with him at the time) had claimed that the box of tasty cheeses were planning a sneak attack on his teddy bear, Mr. Snuffles. Krycek had denied all claims, remembering when Mr. Snuffles had Eaten all of his stuffed pony's ginger snaps! This was obviously some SICK twisted way to anger him even more!

So, without Krycek knowing, Mulder had strangled and murdered the box before he could touch Mr. snuffles! But alas! What about Krycek!

HE carefully took out the Macs of cheese and placed them in an empty condom box! HE then took out his Hello Kitty painting kit and disguised it as the evil box he had done away with!

But Mulder's Painting skills could never cover one thing---the 1800 number! Krycek, being a horrible cook, burnt the Macaroni.

He picked up the phone and dialed the number on the box. Soon, Skinny man Trent answered the phone.

"Hello, complaint department, if you can lose it, we can find it!" Trent said into his handy dandy handless phone.

"WHY IS MY MACAROONI UNDER COOKED!?!?" Krycek screamed into the receiver.

"Sir, we do not accept metaphors." Trent stated, wondering what in gods name it could mean.

"MY CHEESE IS PRACTICLY DISENTIGRATED!"

"Sir, you have obviously misused our product!"

"MISUSED MY ASS!" he yelled.

"Just as I suspected." Trent spoke back.

At that Krycek slammed down the phone. It was only later he had discovered the paint on his hands and had scratched it off the box. Before he could get to Mulder, he was in court for molesting an orange smoothie.

Even if he hadn't violated the poor product, Krycek hoped he was put away for killing his macaroni!

But he was still his friend, and he was gonna bake him a banana pie. (with a special SECRET ingredient. Not poison—not pot—not a nail filer! But a tennis ball1)

Oh Krycek had his reasons! Oh how he did! But that would be saved for later. Now all he had in mind was the bananas. When he got to the fruit and assorted cell phone aisle, his heart nearly stopped. All of the bananas...were gone.

To Be Continued

Watch out for part 4! Reyes v.s. the shopping carts!!


End file.
